Saturday, August 14, 2010

When Friends Call or I’ll Bring the Swine

     In the Fall of 199(?) something, Ruby J decides to remodel, reface, redo, and rearrange her dated living room. So, she does what all girls do in their time of need. She called her Lobster sisters for help. I thought, yeah, a new project and a reason to get together and create new beginnings. Loaded down with sewing machines, hot glue guns, pins, tacks, tape, paint brushes, fringe, sequins and wine we arrive and scan the space. Filled with pride, as if we have all been personally selected to give the Mona Lisa a facelift, we follow a strict protocol and open the wine first. Leonardo De Vinci’s standing together in the middle of Ruby J’s living room, sharing a moment of silence for the old crap (hanging in there for so long) and making a celebrated toast asking Christopher Lowell to enter our souls and give old Mona a Flash Dance curly perm and a push up bra.

     Now I’m not talking about armatures here. Each one of us has at some point in our lives “created” something, so we feel pretty confident we are subject matter experts in this field. I mean, who wrote the rules for decorating? And, what made them the expert? We say who, we say when, we say who, is and always will be our motto. We don’t need no stinking de-Ka-rate-tour judging or telling us how to create the perfect room. Furthermore, anyone can create a space on unlimited funds, that’s just a no-brainer. Real creativity comes when you have to work with what you have, or one-hundred dollars, whichever is available to you. If there is one thing we are good at, it’s working with nothing, come on, after all we are dispatchers, we’ve always got a plan B, C, D, and E in our back pockets just in case the situation changes. And that’s exactly what we have here.

     Like passionate opera singers, in perfect harmony each of us are verbally designing the ideal space. Ruby J watches, never says a word and lets us ramble on and on then finally presents her inspiration piece. She lays a flat sheet, still in the plastic wrapping on the couch and says this is what we have to work with girls. We stop in mid-stream, look at her with “I beg your pardon,” “Did we hear you correctly,” “I think I misunderstood what you just said,” deer in the headlight gazes. Without speaking, we each search the room for the bottle of wine, then glance to see how many bottles are here. Ahh, there it is, “More please,” “Me too,” “Yes, thank you,” “Here, go ahead and take the last little bit,” “Oh no, you have it, I insist.” Well, plan B it is.

     Anxiously Ruby J rips the plastic off the king size sheet, unfolds it and shakes vigorously until it opens completely. It floats in the air and gracefully descends to the floor revealing all its rich colors and patterns. Earth tones burst forth in a rich Aztec pattern as the sheet comes to life. At that moment we know why Ruby J was drawn to the sheet. We could see how the room would come together from this one inspiration. The warm tones changed the cold room into an inviting and comforting space. Now the question was how to make it happen with the slim budget. White walls turned to radiant sunsets reflecting off a red, orange and rust cliffs pallet. A rug was scored on sale, taking the eye away from the dated carpet. It’s the first thing you see when entering the room, catches your attention and teases the eye where to look next. Ruby J has only one window in the living room. It’s a bay window with one center and two sides. The aluminum blinds are outta here and the new King size sheet will adorn the space. This is a westerly window and the sun is blinding hot in the evening. Together we brainstorm on how to make the best with the difficult shape and odd frame. “Can I have another glass of wine please?”

     This is a hopping place, lobsters are sewing, cutting, painting, cleaning, measuring and someone has the important job of keeping our creative juices flowing with a full glass of wine. Even when faced with a minor dilemma we are not discouraged. We find there is not enough fabric to make gathered curtains with the sheet, so we decide to make three panels. One large and two small should work nicely.

“If there is fabric left ober we can make bibe pello’s, is a panel really fat, I mean flat, or can it be a tad crimped on one edge.”

“Let’s use door nibs for fennels.”

“Where the swine?”

“Oops, glue gun injury.”

“I measured 30 inkas, the window is 28, the panel is 12, how’d that hippen, RJ.”

“You know, it kinda looks like a shiet on a windo, if you turn your head like this.”

“You guys are the bust lubsta’s eva.”

“If you can’t fund a screw hul use the gle gun.”

“I say fringee EVERYWHERE!”

“You got that writ, I put it on the cuffee teble, goooo glue gun.”

“Who’s thristy?”

“Ahh, that is so sweet, you hot glued my wine class to the table-butumas!”

“This paterene reminds me of my Indian ruts.”

“I had mosicans when I was lil, do you have any RJ we could use them as decortons”

“I don’t think the sheet scrapps look good glued to the door nob, sorry, just my pinion.”

“Ooops, did I do that?”

“Done! Puject completer, lets look at the misterpiece-and toast!

“Humm, yeah, just turn your head lik this, oh, they don’t open, but tink bout this, if the house fell forward you would look so cute slepin there, and luk it goes with your jewry.”

“ooooH you guys are tha bust, I luv it! Lets do my bedrum next week?”

“Sure, I’ll brung the swine.”




  1. Just think, from decorating like this came the beautiful China room we all love so much.

  2. i can totally hear you guys speaking in drunken swine voice!